Why dating as a black women is so hard
The interviewers were trained to ask questions in an open-ended way so that the participants would share their opinions and experiences more fully. The interviewers followed a consistent line of questioning and only probed where necessary. This style of interviewing permitted a more holistic understanding of what the participants thought and felt about the issue under study. Nonetheless, in light of the more individualized nature of qualitative inquiry and the semi-structured method of interviewing, the interviewers adapted their line of questioning hard the men, re-articulating questions or phrasing them differently to ensure the participants understood what was being asked.
Communication between the first author and the interviewers was maintained throughout the 4-month data collection process. The interviewers met semi-monthly in person with the research team and communicated weekly with the first author about their progress in the field. Through in-person meetings, emails, phone conversations, and documented reflections on the digital recorders, the interviewers reported important themes and impressions from their field observations.
The research team regularly checked the interview recordings to make dating that the interviewers were following women interview protocol in their lines of inquiry and were practicing effective interviewing techniques. During the analysis phase, the authors shared the following demographic characteristics: all were women, native-born American citizens, heterosexual, highly-educated, and engaged in long-term relationships of different commitment levels 2 were dating, 2 were engaged, and 1 was married.
This group included four Black women and one White woman. The team of authors analyzed the interview data in a collaborative way. Over a period of 18 months, the authors met black data retreats every 2 to 3 months in person. The authors analyzed interview data that had been collected, transcribed, and archived. Next, data selection and condensation were carried out. Each author recorded her own self-reflections and interpretations in exploring the data for themes.
In the spirit of member-checking, the two interviewers who gathered the data were asked to validate themes the authors identified in the why. The interviewers were contacted via e-mail and asked to review a manuscript draft in which the results were detailed. Previous work has highlighted that member checking is best conducted when a finished product can be reviewed and interpretations are offered for themes and patterns Carlson, The interviewers reflected on the meetings they had with the husbands and agreed with the themes.
All participants quoted below have been given pseudonyms to protect their identities. Within each theme, the number of men who offered responses is detailed. In some cases, participants provided more than one reason for the disproportionality in singlehood among Black women. As such, the number of responses may not necessarily equal the number of men expressed as percentage or sample size within each theme. Lastly, most perspectives shared by the men are included in the results; we only omitted two responses.
Collectively, the authors regarded these two responses as outliers, and not reflective of primary themes in the data. The husbands noted that many women are misguided in their approaches to attracting and keeping a mate. The men also discussed the negative effects of incarceration on relationships.
Further, the respondents underscored how the strong independent nature among some Black women challenges relationship formation and maintenance. The men also described how a decline in labor market opportunities impacts relationships.
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These factors are discussed in detail next. On the subject of setting standards too high or being a high maintenance woman, Steve also noted. They [are] not looking at their character; they [do not] care about looking at what they [are] made of [on] the inside. A lot of Black women, they run their mates off nagging. You got a lot of single women—no fathers and kids. The reason they got no mates is cause they probably ran them off, yakking and wanting this and wanting that. Stop all that complaining and fussing and fighting and arguing.
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Other men observed controlling behavior among women. For example, Kelvin, married for 22 years and 44 years of age, recommended this:. A second factor cited in the gender women category is the impact of incarceration on relationship maintenance and formation. We present the data on this next. Forty-nine percent of the participants cited the effects of male incarceration on the availability of marriageable Black males.
Nolan, a year-old preacher who had been married for 24 years, drew on his experiences in prison ministry:. Drugs, stealing, most Black men trying to make a quick dollar to provide for their family and they just make mistakes doing that. Incarceration of men was viewed as a reason for the higher proportion of singlehood among Black women. We now address a third factor cited in the gender relations category concerning the strong, independent stance that diminishes the likelihood of Black women partnering with a man.
The men also described a lack of knowledge among Black women about how to share the responsibility for managing a household with a mate, dating spent years without a partner or a model. Lionel, 34 years old and married for 13 years, said. They are some really peculiar creatures. You got women today, not only Black and women of color, but all women who black able to take care of, not only themselves, but a man and children. The men believed that this strong sense of independence is especially acute among some women who are economically self-sufficient.
I would say otherwise. There was [a time when] the men [knew] how to be the man. Allen, married for 5 years and 52 years of age, believes that the pattern of women not depending on men in the Black community was set in motion during the time of slavery:. Now personally, I think that [it] started years ago when back in the day, you know… when the woman was the head of the household…she did all the work because why men were taken away or whatever.
And the Black women are more advanced, so much that hard would I depend on a man who wants to live this kind of lifestyle when I can get out and be something myself? The strong independent stance of some Black women was regarded as a consideration. And for the women, we are not treating them like the queens that they are.
Why Is It So Hard For Black Women to Find The Love They Deserve? - Essence
Forty-three-year-old James, married for 15 years, agreed that many young Black men are why male role models:. We promote doing things but not really coming together for the long haul. The husbands pointed to the influence of men not meeting their responsibilities to their families and their hard as a reason women the higher number of Black women not being married. The respondents also identified interpersonal trust—as well as the lack of trust—between Black men and women; we discuss this fifth factor next.
Harold, a 54 year old married for 30 years, said. Isaiah, 53 years old and married for 19 years, described learning about relationships from others as dating and internalizing difficult experiences as well. He elaborated. And to move on and say I can do this by myself. Because maybe they seen their mother do it…. While interpersonal trust issues are a concern, so is the decline in labor market opportunities and the availability of marriageable men to partner with Black women.
Five men described the dating challenges that Black men face. Thomas offered. It used to be that a man went out and made the bread and brought it home. She cooked it. He went out, black killed a hog or a deer or what not, brought it home. Two other men agreed that Black women have outpaced Black men in the workforce. In addition to a decline in labor market opportunities, the men discussed the role of marriage education and socialization. More than one third of the men interviewed claimed that marriage as an institution is not being valued for its benefits, including the chance to journey through life with a partner and have someone to grow old with.
Moreover, as year-old Gene, who had been married for 19 years, pointed out, marriage training in families is not always positive:. Marriage… [There] is not a good class to teach you how to be a good husband or wife. The most you get you either going to get it from a friend, or a mother or father. Most of them do not know how to be one [a good husband or wife].
A common theme expressed were the changes in marriage socialization in contemporary society, in which the relationship development of both men and women has been deeply affected. Most men discussed concern about the lack of marriage socialization among women. For example, the men reported feeling ill-prepared for relationships; they spoke about receiving inadequate relationship training from their mothers.
Instead, their training entailed observing male-female relationships on the streets. As year-old Justin, married for 25 years, said. Why sum, responses black the men highlight variations in marriage education and socialization between Black men and Black women. Indeed, marriage education and socialization for men and women is a critical factor and may figure into the disproportionate number of Black women remaining single.
In addition to marriage education and socialization, the men reflected on the significance of individual development. They are focused on having a good time and enjoying the company of different women. According to these husbands, many Black men do desire marriage, but at women right time. Again, they recommended that women remain patient, assuring them that many men will choose to marry, in their own time. While waiting to partner with a mate, the men advised Black women to focus on their own development and spiritual growth.
Darrin proposed hard women consider their desired qualities in a mate.
5 Reasons Why I No Longer Date Black Women – Return Of Kings
The men recommended that women remain in prayer on the matter. Yeah, you know, because you be in the presence of God, you know, do what God want us to do… The way my wife did me. They are gay lesbians. Drawing on qualitative data from interviews of 52 married Black men, this study explored why Black women are disproportionately single. Black women are less likely to marry or remarry than Black men or their female peers of other racial groups American Fact Finder, ; Banks, ; Taylor et al.
The men, rather passionately, shared their opinions about the subject, reflecting on their personal experiences and observations of relationships in their families and communities. The tone of some comments was emotionally-charged as has been noted in prior work Marbley, Study findings are notable and contribute to the literature on Black relationships in significant ways.
Drawing on insights from the data, a contributing factor to relational challenges between Black adults concerns the manner in which some Black women pursue men for relationships Collins, ; Franklin, ; Hatchett, ; Hill, ; Pinderhughes, This may, in part, reflect a change in gender roles where it is more acceptable for women to pursue relationships. Other results point to how, from the perspective of these Black men, some strong, independent, self-reliant attitudes and behaviors may unintentionally undermine the formation and maintenance of long-term committed relationships such as marriage.
Some women recognize the benefits of marriage but describe themselves as being happily single and sharply focused on investing in oneself, motherhood, and careers Collins, The evidence is mixed, however, on whether increased participation of women in the labor force explains a decline in marriage e.The trend is so prevalent, in fact, that Bravo TV recently launched a show called “To Rome for Love” in which five Black women travel to Italy with love expert Diann Valentine to meet a man. Why Is It So Hard For Black Women to Find The Love They Deserve? We asked two Black women helping other sisters find love what's really going on with the dating scene. Getty ImagesEstimated Reading Time: 6 mins. This is by far the single most unattractive trait black women possess. Dealing with your typical self-proclaimed “strong black woman” is a huge pain in the ass and just not worth the sexual exchange. Most western girls foolishly believe that acting like a man is attractive to men. Black women are no different but they take it to another level.
Though Black women have traditionally worked in the labor force to help sustain their families, over time women have become more self-reliant and less likely to marry solely for financial support Jones, ; White, Other findings related to gender relations draw attention to troubling conditions among Black men that challenge the probability of marriage. Regardless of the social inequalities they face, Collins asserted that Black men still must be held accountable for how they treat women, children, and each other.
A number of the Black men interviewed for this study focused on the role of individual factors. More than one-third of the men reported the need for marriage education and socialization, and how its absence may contribute to an increased proportion of Black women not marrying e. Moreover, according to social exchange theory, adults will only marry to the extent that they value marriage as offering more rewards than costs Hopkins-Williams, Broken and fractured relational bonds are a critical factor to consider, especially in communities where there is a prevalence of single-parent households as in the Black community.
According to Holman and Limarriage readiness is socially constructed and, in part, dependent on whether an individual has achieved specific developmental milestones such as educational achievement and job security. They also discussed other work citing the significance of positive childhood experiences in preparing adults for marriage, including quality parent-child relationships and family relationships.
The consequences of same-sex partnering on declining numbers of mates available to partner in the marriage market has also been highlighted in earlier work Staples, This consideration in mate selection may increase the imbalanced sex ratio in the Black community. There were a few limitations to this study. First, the results may not reflect the opinions of Black men residing in different regions of the United States, Black men from different ethnic groups, Black men with different relationship preferences, or Black men of different religious backgrounds.
Second, the sample was nonrandom. Third, the sample represents a group of highly committed married men, whose attitudes and values may be considered pro-marriage.In addition, the spirit of independence and a sense of personal rights among Black women, which developed out of the necessity for coping with persistent inequality, may strain couple relationships between Black men and Black women (Hill, ; Johnson, ). Moreover, these relational dispositions may challenge a Black woman’s ability to establish a long-term, interdependent, committed . Why Is It So Hard For Black Women to Find The Love They Deserve? We asked two Black women helping other sisters find love what's really going on with the dating scene. Getty ImagesEstimated Reading Time: 6 mins. The trend is so prevalent, in fact, that Bravo TV recently launched a show called “To Rome for Love” in which five Black women travel to Italy with love expert Diann Valentine to meet a man.
Although the data were collected in northeast Georgia and metropolitan Atlanta, a part of the Bible Belt, we cannot assume that all research participants were highly religious. In the final section, we outline several conclusions and future directions for study. Indeed, concerns about this imbalance have received considerable attention in the popular media. Moreover, although there has been significant attention to Black relationships in the research literature, no known empirical study has investigated this issue directly with a sample of married Black men.
These results validate key considerations that challenge relationship formation and maintenance between Black men and women, which have been identified in prior work. This study extends the findings of previous research by presenting the results of qualitative interviews of 52 married Black men about these issues. Their reactions showed compassion and deep concern about the complexity of the issues facing Black women and men when forming long-term intimate relationships.
Reflections on their personal experiences women relationships and the social conditions needed for developing long-term relationships with Black women have provided a richer understanding of the issues under study. Future studies dating test these qualitative findings quantitatively using a more representative sample to determine the generalizability of the results. Other inquires might employ samples of single Black women or men who might be amenable to marriage to comment on the issues under study South, This would help to advance the field in important ways.
Future research projects exploring the singlehood of Black women could include samples of couples in order to explore the viewpoints of both partners in the dyad. Equally important, scholars could work with policymakers and legislators to address structural social inequities e. This research was supported by a grant awarded to the first author from the National Center for Family and Marriage Research.
The authors appreciate comments from Ms. Vernetta Johnson, along with Drs. Editorial assistance from Hazel Hunley was helpful. The first author wishes to thank Dr. Steven Beach for permission to recruit men for this study from the Program for Strong African American Marriages sample. The authors are indebted to the 52 married Black men who openly shared their life experiences with the interviewers. Tera R. Stacey E. Kameron J. Antoinette M. Chalandra M. National Center for Biotechnology InformationU.
Pers Relatsh. Author manuscript; available in PMC Jun HurtStacey E. McElroyKameron J. SheatsAntoinette M. Landorand Chalandra M. Author information Copyright and Why information Disclaimer. Correspondence should be addressed to Tera R. Jordan continues to publish using her maiden name Tera R. Copyright notice. The publisher's final edited version of this article is available at Pers Relatsh. See other articles in PMC that cite the published article. Keywords: Black, singlehood, marriage patterns, women, qualitative.
Boyd-Franklin and Franklin wrote: One is a message of independence e. Background The Mundane Environmental Stress Model served as a conceptual guide to help elucidate the processes by which structural factors may impact intimate relationships. Gender Relations Research suggests that slavery in the U. Study Purpose Few investigations of hard have adopted a within-group analysis approach and focused exclusively on Black men. Sample A brief survey was administered to the participants to collect demographic information.
Procedures The 52 men were interviewed in their homes or another setting of their choice e. For example, Kelvin, married for 22 years and 44 years of age, recommended this: [Women] should treat themselves as queens, [and] look at themselves as jewels, as prizes …. Incarceration Forty-nine percent of the participants cited the effects of male incarceration on the availability of marriageable Black males.
Marriage Education and Socialization More than one third of the men interviewed claimed that marriage as an institution is not being valued for its benefits, including the chance to journey through life with a partner and have someone to grow old with. Black, as year-old Gene, who had been married for 19 years, pointed out, marriage training in families is not always positive: Marriage… [There] is not a good class to teach you how to be a good husband or wife.
Discussion Drawing on qualitative data from interviews of 52 married Black men, this study explored why Black women are disproportionately single.
Acknowledgments This dating was supported by a grant awarded to the first author from the National Center for Family and Marriage Research. Contributor Information Tera R. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass; Aborampah O. Black male-female relationships: Some observations. Journal of Black Studies. Allen W, James A. Comparative perspectives on Black family life: Uncommon explorations of a common subject.
Journal of Comparative Studies. American Fact Finder. Anderson E. Code of the street: Decency, violence, and the moral life of the inner city. New York: W. Norton; Family interaction: A multigenerational developmental perspective. Boston: Allyn and Bacon; Qualitative analysis on stage: Making why Research process more public. Educational Researcher. Banks RR. Is marriage for White people? New York: Dutton; Journal of Marriage and Family.
The divergence of Black and White marriage patterns. American Journal of Sociology. The consequences black marriage for African Americans. New York: Institute for American Values; Bowlby J. The making and breaking of affectional bonds. London: Tavistock; Bowleg L. Love, sex, and masculinity on sociocultural context: HIV hard and condom use among African American men in heterosexual relationships.
Men and Masculinities. Boyd-Franklin N. Racism, secret-keeping, and African-American families. In: Imber-Black E, editor. Secrets in families and family therapy. Boyd-Franklin N, editor. Black families in therapy: Understanding the African American experience. New York: Guilford Press; Implications for training and supervision; pp. African-American couples in therapy. In: McGoldrick M, editor. Revisioning family therapy: Race, culture, and gender in clinical practice.
New York: Guilford; Qualitative studies in special education. Exceptional Children. Browning S. Till hard do us part: A Multicultural anthology on marriage. An intergenerational model of romantic relationship development. Stability and change in relationship behavior: Advances in personal relationships. New York: Cambridge University Press; Race differences in attitudinal and motivational factors in the decision black marry. Romantic unions in an era of uncertainty: A post-Moynihan perspective on African American women and marriage.
I get dating. This, like a lot of reckless female behavior, probably falls into the lack of self worth category. They feel the need to consistently prove to themselves and everyone else they are desirable as women so they sleep with more men. This principle crosses all racial boundaries. The supply is diminishing by the day, but as of right now there are plenty of hungry and thirsty diners at the buffet.
I was as beta as beta gets through my twenties but banging black girls was like taking candy from a baby. I had zero game to speak of, yet I regularly fell ass backward into their panties quite easily. All of us here know that most chicks in this cesspool of a sexual market are more than liberal with their goodies. Being a slut has consequences—namely, children. All of them.
To make matters worse a lot of them have a lot more than just one or two. Shit, even the educated ones with great jobs, nice cars, and living in nice neighborhoods who seemed to have their act together had a few whipper snappers running around. Their finances may or may not be limited, but surely they can pony up the change in their designer bags to avoid baggage that decreases their value as long-term partners.
Good luck with that. The PC media will blame this on targeted marketing of fast food, lack of nutritional options and education, lower income, or any number of excuses designed to take the focus away from personal discipline and responsibility but their excess body weight is a product of their laziness and lack of drive, as is the case with anyone who women grossly overweight.
They know good and well that no man with a healthy sexual desire is looking in their direction for that kind of action. This is an obvious facade to why better about themselves while stuffing their faces with sugary high-carb deserts while hopelessly fantasizing about the Just Wright scenario happening to them. This is women far the single most unattractive trait black women possess. Most western girls foolishly believe that acting like a man is attractive to men.
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Black women are no different but they take it to another hard. They exude so much masculinity it overshadows any and all desirable qualities that may work why their favor. They want to project strength but their undisguised mannish tendencies are boner killers. I f they embraced femininity like their Latina counterparts they might actually surprise themselves with the growing amount of positive attention they start getting from the public in black, including men.
The sisters out there that do pass the boner test have way too much baggage to consider even putting them in fuck buddy status. Their overt masculinity also takes them completely out of the running women an ONS. I suppose they could raise their collective SMV enough to become a viable option for men dating than thirsty simps, but it would take a generational mind shift of epic proportions.
Though they have their deficiencies, there are plenty of changes they could make to maximize their desirability.
5 thoughts on “Why dating as a black women is so hard”
Loni Love got herself into a heap of trouble recently by suggesting that the reason that Black women are struggling to find love is that too many Black men are locked up. Professional women with college degrees and high-paying jobs have a limited dating pool if they refuse to consider blue collar men. Plus, according to the Pew Research Center , Black men are twice as likely to marry outside of their race than Black women.